


internet mysteries: storybrooke

by dollyvonvixen



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Complete and Utter Chaos, F/F, mild hookphobia, reality can be whatever I want
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21762220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dollyvonvixen/pseuds/dollyvonvixen
Summary: There is a town in Maine, where every storybook character you’ve ever known is living removed from the outside world, mysterious people who guard countless unbelievable secrets, that can only be solved by one person.orInstead of forming an angry mob when the curse broke, they had The Evil Queen bring modern technology and internet routers to Storybrooke. A lot of things happen over the years like wicked sisters who cast green tornados or a woman freezing half of mainstreet by walking, and some of it ends up on YouTube.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 3
Kudos: 34





	internet mysteries: storybrooke

**Author's Note:**

> this is my gift to myself. happy birthday, dolly.

**snow white really likes birds (and those birds really don’t like hook)**

Snow White is something of an animal person. Not in the literal sense, of course— though, her best friend is a wolf person making her somewhat of an animal person by association. Point is Snow White likes animals. 

Birds are her favorite, and anyone could vouch for that. Especially Regina who takes great pleasure in using it as an insult. Snow doesn’t understand how that could ever be something negative, there is nothing bad about showing appreciation for fellow living creatures. Sure, she admits she can be a little excessive, but the birds in the park really enjoy the hundreds of birdhouses made over the years by her class. 

They’ve spoken of little else since she sat down on her usual bench. A pudgy blue bird perched on the bench arm is the most vocal of them. Dominic is the name he chose for himself after a long harrowing day of flipping through a book of baby names. 

“At least I did not name myself after my favorite food like our dear Worm,” he says in reference to a small black and white bird snacking on the birdseed Snow brought. 

“Oh, yeah. I forgot you’re better than all of us because you’ve got a fancy old name,” huffs Worm with a mighty glare. 

“Please, no fighting. Worm your name is great and special to you, it’s good to have a meaningful name. And Dominic I think your name is very dapper, it fits you very well,” says Snow. 

To all passerby’s, she looks about as stable as the one being rebuilt down the road. Not everyone has the same gift to talk to animals, and she’s accepted that she is going to get a lot of weird looks. If that’s the price she has to pay to speak to her friends she is happy to pay it. 

The birds say jab after jab to each other until Worm freezes and hops up on the bench. Snow gives him a confused look. He points with his wing as best as he can to someone walking towards them on the concrete sidewalk. 

She turns her head to look hoping its not- 

“Hi, luv,” greets Hook. She lets out a discreet groan (or, what she thinks is one) at the smell of gutted fish she’s come to lightly feel dissatisfaction and a soft indisposition for. If she were a different person, maybe someone like Regina, she’d say something harsher like that smell ruins her entire week knowing who’s about to start a conversation with her.

“Hello, Killian.” 

“Don’t encourage him!” the birds hiss in unison. 

Killian, however, only hears loud squawks making him wince. He doesn’t say anything, clearly remembering what happened last time he told her to ‘ _shut those flask-sized demons up_ ’. Snow’s glad she doesn’t have to repeat the lecture on respecting animals. 

“Quiet down.” She pulls out one of the many bird seed packets she keeps stored in her bra. Worm instantly quiets, biting Dominic when he doesn’t. She sets the packet in front of them and turns back to Killian. 

He stares dumbfounded at Worm. Not only does he open the packet himself, he picks up the left over plastic and drops it in the nearest garbage can. 

Snow pities him in this moment. The man has clearly never spent time near birds. 

“What the...?” 

Snow understands the unspoken question. “They know the importance of recycling and how littering is bad for the environment. Worm has even become somewhat of an activist in his local community. He’s really passionate about keeping the north square of the park clean.” 

“That wasn’t what… okay, never mind.” He shakes his head slightly, probably to clear off any remaining thoughts on the complex political landscape of Storybrooke Park. “I need to ask you something. It’s about Emma.”

“Oh? Why don’t you sit down then.” 

“It’s covered in seeds.” Oh, right. Snow forgot about that. “It’s fine, this will only take a minute. What color are Emma’s eyes? I’m pretty sure they’re blue, but Will Scarlet thinks they’re green. I suppose in some lighting they could—“ 

“What?” She has to have misheard, because that can’t be right. “You’re asking me… what color your ex-wife’s eyes are? The woman you married…”

“I did not ask for your judgment. It’s not my fault I don’t notice people’s eye colors. Your brown eyes aren’t-“ 

“My eyes are the same color as Emma’s. They’re not brown, Hook.”

His— blue eyes, she notes— light up. “See! My point exactly. Now, what color?” 

“Your daughter sure knows how to pick ‘em,” mutters Worm. 

Unsure how best to respond to that, she goes the simple route of answering his question. “They’re green, Killian. Is that all you wanted?” 

“Yes, and I really must be going, luv. Please do not mention this to anyone, I do not want to tarnish my reputation.” She opens her mouth to say goodbye, but he’s already striding away. 

“He does realize what his reputation is, correct? I am nearly certain that nothing could tarnish it further.” 

“Yeah,” Snow agrees, still at a loss for words. 

Bushes a fair distance from the bench rustle with a kid trying to get a better angle. His plans are ruined by a low battery pop up earning a series of grumbles as he reluctantly ends the recording. 

**lady talks to birds (and a lady four hours away takes notes)**

Caitlyn is filled with renewed vigor as the video comes to a close. She’d recognize those benches, those people, and those trees anywhere. Yet another video taken in Storybrooke. 

The town has been one of her favorite topics ever since she discovered it almost a year ago. To a casual viewer it’s a regular town, but to people like her, it’s the greatest mysteries of the decade. 

The first video filmed there was posted six years ago by a girl named _Ava Zimmer_. She talked— rambled, really, about her life mention things such as how she had a crush on _Mayor Mills_ despite the fact she somewhat ruined her and her family’s life with a world destroying curse and how she hopes _Henry_ will want to come over soon as she walked through a path in the woods.

A very familiar path which Storybrooke investigators such as herself have deemed _Rocky Road_. Not to be confused with _Road Rocky_ which is a music shop in east Storybrooke. 

She and her brother _Nicholas_ have posted sporadic videos over the last six years, all of which taking place in Storybrooke. A lot aren’t anything more than a kid rambling to a camera, but some show clues of a much bigger mystery. 

For instance the video posted on September 28th, 2014. It shows Ava and Nicholas hanging out in an alley when the camera is turned towards Main Street. A woman in a sparkling blue dress walks with a path of ice forming after each step. Ava says “ _What do you think that’s about?_ ” to which Nicholas casually replies “ _Probably someone wanting revenge on Mayor Mills again_ ” cutting off the video. 

Almost exactly a year later on September 27th, 2015 another strange occurrence happens. As soon as the video starts recording Ava is cut off by roaring winds. She turns to see a giant green tornado lifting a single building away until it disappears into nothing. She snickers slightly and says “ _Well, guess Henry’s not gonna be in school for a while. I hope it was Mayor Mills who cast that and not her sister_ ” before ending the video. 

Other videos have been found taking place in this same town such as the most recent video; _Lady Makes Small Talk W/Birds_ by _Roland._ The video is of a recurring woman called _Mary Margaret,_ but she has also been nicknamed _Snow White_ by some townsfolk. Caitlyn understands the nickname after seeing her talk to woodland creatures. 

Halfway into the video another recurring person comes into frame. In the same outfit as his first appearance in 2013 is _Killian Jones,_ sometimes known as _Captain Hook._ He mentions someone she hasn’t heard of yet, _Will Scarlet._ It’s been months since a new clue was introduced making this new person all the more interesting. 

Killian also speaks of _Emma Swan,_ also known as the _Savior,_ in the video confirming the suspected divorced. She sticks a post-it making note of this beside a picture taken from the wedding video. 

Her bulletin board is one added family member away from overflowing with content— it’s so overly complicated it could put Game of Thrones to shame. Even with that, she’s still no closer to cracking the mystery of Storybrooke or its citizens. 

She turns to the wall behind her with a sigh. A second filled bulletin board dedicated to figuring out the location and layout of the town hangs there, and it is possibly more crowded with content than the family board. 

Here’s what she knows: Storybrooke is located near Portland, Maine so it is presumably somewhere in Cumberland County. Storybrooke cannot be found on any maps or government websites, but the town has an official website last updated on May 12th, 2012. Storybrooke is a coastal town with an active shipping port. There was a large population increase sometime in March, 2014, then another around October, 2015, and lastly one around May, 2018. 

The official website provides professional photos of the town as well as information about town officials. The mayor of Storybrooke is _Regina Mills,_ nicknamed _The Evil Queen_ , and she has been mayor for all of recorded town history. _Graham Humbert_ was the only recorded sheriff until his death on December 11th, 2011. Emma Swan, a former deputy, is noted to have won the election in the wake of his passing and has held the title since, though her title was never officially changed. 

Less than 1% of all residents have a traceable history, and all of these people were last known living in either Boston or New York before disappearing completely. There are rumored sightings of some residents out of Storybrooke as well as a video of this boy talking about “the magic all around us” taken in New York that looks an awful lot like Henry, though there isn’t enough evidence to back these claims. 

While she knows a lot, it still isn’t enough to answer the question plaguing every conspiracy theorists mind: what’s the deal with Storybrooke? 

**snow white chooses a bird over her daughter (and regina’s extensive history of poisoned baked goods)**

Everyone hates Thanksgiving. There’s a list of reasons to not celebrate Thanksgiving, but Storybrooke adds some unusual ones to that list. Her family is largely responsible for that— which is kinda a universal truth now that Emma thinks about it. 

She glares at one of the many unfortunate things her family is responsible for. The turkey gobbles at her with a glare of its own. Her mother gives Emma a disapproving look, shaking her head sadly. 

She splutters indignantly at her mother, gesturing her hands in frustrated motions. “You… what? It’s… it’s a turkey!” Her eyes widen at her mistake the minute it slips out. 

“Emma, what have I told you?” she asks in a deathly claim voice. Her mother turns to the turkey to mutter soothing words about how more respectful people will be joining them at Granny’s soon. The turkey is not soothed, however, giving her a dirty look. 

Emma desperately glances around for- 

“Hey, Regina! Need help there? Yes, okay.” She speed walks at a record breaking pace to the kitchen. 

“Using me to avoid your mother, Miss Swan? I cannot say I blame you.” Regina is bent over the oven using the bright red Snow White themed Christmas edition oven mitts Emma bought as a joke to pull out a tray. She’s even got the colorful Christmas lights on them lit up. It’s the small things like this that make life worth living. 

Emma gives the tray a curious glance. 

“Chocolate chip cookies. I have yet to use chocolate or cookies for nefarious deeds, so I assumed it would be the safest idea,” she says setting the tray on the counter. 

Emma frankly feels a bit offended that Regina never told her about the other two cursed deserts she’s made. Chocolate chip cookies were #3 on Snow’s desert suggestions list.

“Are you saying you’ve made poisoned pumpkin pie before? And poisoned cheese cake? You never told me. I thought your whole thing was apples.” 

Regina turns to give her an unimpressed look, and returns to her task. She swipes for another tray in the cupboard, unable to get a hold of it due to her unfortunate tininess. 

Maybe being so short was the cost for being so hot. Evening out character stats and all that. 

“Don’t you dare laugh. This is not funn-“ she grins triumphantly at the tray in her hand. 

She grabs a bowl of dough at the end of the counter and starts tray prep for the next batch. “Yes, I did. I told you I won over Cinderella with desert,” she says smoothing out the parchment paper. 

“You really need to work on your wording. I thought you meant you won over Cinderella by offering deserts, like, made her your friend or something, not that you won against Cinderella by using poisoned baked goods!” 

“That does not make sense, Emma. How could I have won over Cinderella when I was trying to kill her friend?” 

“I don’t know. I stopped using logic a long time ago when it comes to that place. I mean, seriously, ‘Gina-“ 

“Don’t call me that.”

“-Who puts kids in magic trees? Who the hell tries to buy a magic kid for an elaborate plot to bring magic to a land without magic and find his son? Then you put a bounty on the head of this girl who told your mother a secret a few years back-“

“Okay, you can shut up now. I understand that was not entirely rational in retrospect, however-“

“-I mean, really, all of you are batshit. I asked Tinkerbell for some cold medicine once and she tried to remove my nose. She looked so offended when I said ‘Hey, please don’t do that, I like my nose’. I mean, what?” 

“Are you-“

“You know I love my mom, but she scares me sometimes. Actually the reason I came here was ‘cause she was talking in that whole creepy calm mother voice while looking me dead in the eyes. And all because I don’t think a turkey should be one of the people invited to dinner! Did you know she tried to register Dominic and Worm as service animals last week? She said she needed them for her mental well-being.”

“She certainly needs something for it…”

“So, of course I asked her for a doctor's note or something, but do you know what she said? ‘Emma, I am your mother. You should trust me on this’. Who does that? Service animals are doing an important job to help their owners who genuinely need them, you can’t just ask for your pet birds to be certified because you want to take them into places that don’t allow pets! Plus, they're not even trained! They'd probably distract the legitimate service animals doing their jobs! It’s like she thinks she’s some kind of princess or something-“

“She is, remember? Or Queen, depending on who you ask.” 

“Well, newsflash, _mom_. The real world doesn’t work that way. And do you know what else she said to me? ‘Emma, I’d like you to formally meet your new godparents. If anything happens to me, they will be there to take care of you’. I mean first of all I’m a grown woman, and second of all they’re _birds…_ ” 

Ruby’s very used to this after a lifetime of knowing Snow. Still, it amuses her enough that she has to share the sight with everyone else. Her phone has been subtly placed on the counter to record Snow and the turkey since they arrived. 

It’s turning out way better than she could’ve asked for. Everyone still hates the turkey like last year, but this year they’re not afraid to say something. 

She’s going to get some wild stuff on video this year. 

**regina becomes a misandrist (and considers making singing in public a punishable offense)**

Regina’s so very over men. It is in this moment she decides she hates all men. Besides Henry, of course. Usually. 

Robin Hood leads the expedition through the forest, cheerfully singing the Storybrooke Boy Scouts theme song alongside his hoard of puberty stricken boys. She has a lot of thoughts right now. 

One, since when do Boy Scouts have a theme song? Okay, _maybe_ she doesn’t know that much about Boy Scouts since she’s been _a little busy_ keeping all these kids alive long enough that they’re old enough to attend, but still. A theme song? She would’ve expected a chant, not a reminder why you need a permit to break out in song in public. 

She’d curse Kathryn for giving them a permit if she hadn’t used all her chimera claws. Though, seeing Guyliner frantically run around town in a catsuit (She doesn’t know how David convinced him to wear it, but she’ll have to send him thank you card at some point. If he can convince Hook to become a full-time mascot for the Storybrooke Sand Cats, maybe she’ll even make a gift basket) in search of his singular outfit has put her in a good enough mood to possibly spare Kathryn’s life. Also the fact she’s very helpful in tax season. 

She’s off topic. Emma Swan’s fault no doubt. 

Two, why did she ever date this man? Further question, why did she ever date men? She’s never going to make that mistake again. 

Three, why did she agree to this? She’s a— 

“Queen and a bit more refined. Yes, I know, Regina,” says Robin now beside her. Had she said that out loud? “No, but you think it every time you’re asked to do physical labor. And no, you did not say it out loud. Please refer back to point one.” 

Trust a man to tell you what you’re thinking. The fact he’s right isn’t important, she decides, it’s the principle of things. 

“Shut up,” she says. Regina speeds up her pace, thankful for the sketchers Henry bought her two years ago. They light up with every step she takes, she makes sure of it with her forceful steps. 

She’ll be damned to the seventh circle of hell before she proves Snow White right. She laughed when Regina opened them and said “ _Oh, Henry, that is just the cutest thing. I don’t see Regina wearing them, but gosh, aren’t they adorable”_ but who is she to tell her what she will and will not wear? She takes great pleasure in wearing them every time she’s forced to see Snow, especially for work matters. 

No one believes Snow, of course. Madam Mayor would never wear light-up sneakers. Snow can point all she likes at them, but glamours are meant for these occasions. 

She’s reminded of one of her most cherished memories. 

The school was having an assembly and being the mayor she should attend. Being the mayor she can also come in as late as she wants. She’d timed it perfectly. 

In an homage to one of her greatest performances, she entered with “ _Sorry I’m late”._ All eyes turned to look at her, but she only cared for one gaze. Snow stood on the stage, her mouth ajar. “ _Regina… why are you wearing light-up sneakers? I don’t think that’s very appropriate, they could be a distraction”_. 

The crowd turned back at her expecting the worst. Their fears were for naught as they looked at her black heels, not a light to be found. Snow was told as much. Snow refused to believe it, growing increasingly frantic as she tried to make the crowd see what she did. 

They never would despite all her efforts. She was ushered off stage, looking desperately confused as she looked into Regina’s eyes. Regina wore a carefully blank expression the entire time. 

An expression that didn’t last much longer than the end of the assembly. Yes, she says to herself, that is why glamours were invented. 

With the memory now fresh in her mind, she strides on with a stronger determination. She knows no one will believe these boys either, and with that knowledge she dances across the forest as if she was a disco ball. A figure of speech, of course. 

She only knows two dances and neither would be very useful for long distance walking. 

The boys holler with their campsite now in view. They belt out the theme song with even more vigor while sprinting around the equipment already setup. 

She leans back against a tree. Robin will be here soon to round them up. He probably needs this more than she does, she’s doing him a favor really. Practice for Roland and all that. 

The next two days are ones she will cherish for years to come. With Robin, the only counselor on this trip, too afraid to challenge her, she did not lift a single finger outside of holding the camera. 

She’d joined them to help film a video for their website to showcase what exactly the Storybrooke Boy Scouts do, and she’d gotten so much more. 

She knew going into this one teenage boy is a handful to care for, but an entire hoard of them? She’d never seen chaos quite like it. Watching Robin try and rangle them into place for the video was like watching a mouse try and tame an army. 

A fascinating and amusing sight all at once. She can only hope to experience this again with Hook (ideally dressed as the Sand Cat's mascot suit) in Robin’s place. 

**stalking for the greater good (ok, maybe it’s a little creepy)**

She hadn’t thought of the implications before doing this. She realizes now she should have. It’s a lot creepier than she’d imagined. 

The Swan-Mills family sit at a table across from her in a small restaurant. She’s too far to make out what they’re saying, and maybe that’s for the best. It’d only make this more creepy. 

If analyzing trees down to the exact location to locate where the Storybrooke family has gone can get more creepy. She should’ve become a private investigator or something. 

With that new video on the Storybrooke Boy Scouts website, she’d managed to make more connections on her family board. Roland is apparently the son of _Robin Hood_ who, according to the semi-private blog he writes, dated Regina Mills at some point. They have remained friends after an extremely weird relationship timeline involving a dead wife coming back to life but turning out to be a sister who then dated a god who tried to kill them both. 

Props to them. 

Anyways, in a recent post he mentioned that Regina Mills, Emma Swan, and Henry Mills are on a vacation out of Storybrooke. Having a natural reaction to this, she rewatched Roland’s latest upload again. In the video he had facetimed Henry who was currently in the car, but she had assumed he was in Storybrooke.

With the knowledge he isn’t, she enhanced and enlarged the background to the best of her abilities, and long story short, she is now sitting across a diner from them. Maybe her roommate had a point when she’d called her obsessive and intrusive. 

She tries not to pay too much attention to them as dinner goes on. That isn’t what she’s here for. 

She’s here for answers, and sometimes answers can only be gotten by stalking a family then following them back to the hotel where you then blackmail staff for their rooming information so you know when they leave so you can follow them to their mysterious unlocatable town. It’s a simple truth of life.

Damnit, this just gets creepier every time she thinks about it. 

**two gal pals out on a dinner date (and henry is happy to be away from the awkward sexual tension. those are his** **_moms_ ** **! gross!)**

When Henry mentioned wanting to visit something (Emma can’t remember what. She lost all brain power when they started holding hands over the table) out of town, she jumped at the chance to have a nice family outing. It’s the least she deserves, really, seeing as she can do this now. Because she has a family. To go on outings with. As a family. 

She did not expect for Henry to stay back at the hotel, leaving her and Regina to what might be considered a romantic outing if they were not such good friends. Though, isn’t being in love just best friends with extra steps? 

“Hey, ‘Gina.” The woman looks up from her salad, displeased at the disruption to her leaf sorting. Emma ignores this, of course, and asks with a thoughtful look, “What is love?” 

Regina stares at her. “Baby, don’t hurt me?” 

“No, I mean, like, if you think about it, isn’t it just… best friends with benefits? Your very best friend who you share your life with, but now you kiss each other?” She gazes off thoughtfully as if she’d said something profound and revolutionary. And, she pretty much has. Listening to that 30 minute online video about philosophy has increased her complex thinking power by 10%. 

Not that Regina would agree. She’s allowed, Emma decides, _genius_ doesn’t have the same ring to it as one of her fond _idiot_ ’s. 

“This is the most convoluted way I have ever been asked out,” says Regina, the aforementioned idiot clearly implied. “Though, I suppose I’m quite fond of the idea.” 

It’s Emma’s turn to stare. “Huh?” What is that supposed to mean? Emma barely knows any big words, how can something she says be convoluted? 

“I’m saying yes. I would like to be your girlfriend. Your ‘best friend with benefits’. Do not ever refer to me as either of those, however. I much prefer something akin to ‘partner’ or ‘companion’. Maybe ‘royal consort’ to excite your mother only for me then to tear her down as I explain this is not you accepting your title as princess, but instead a title of endearment you have decided to reclaim from the insipid royals-“

“You’ve thought about this a lot, haven’t you?” She blinks owlishly as she comes back into reality from her _ideas to give Snow White a bad day_ high. 

“Perhaps,” she concedes. 

Emma hates to admit Regina’s excited planning is extremely cute, even if she’s plotting against her mother. Actually, maybe that adds to it. Her mother can be really annoying sometimes. 

Sure, being Snow White can excuse some of it, but there is no excuse for inviting the neighborhood strays to family game night. Those dogs cost her a leather jacket with their poor sportsmanship. They should really take a class on accepting defeat in Uno. 

“Wow,” Regina mutters to herself. 

“What?” Emma turns to look behind her, not finding a single thing worthy of a “wow”. She does find a few things that are deserving of the opposite, however. A “wow” if you will— and nevermind, wow is the same spelled backwards. Maybe Regina’s right when she calls her an idiot. 

“You look very deep in thought. It’s like watching a child walk for the first time.”

Emma pouts. “You’re so mean to me. Me! The mother of your child, your devoted lesbian lover!”

“Not quite that last one yet, dear.” 

“Wanna change that?”

Regina feigns a gasp. “Why, Miss Swan, are you propositioning me?” Another gasp. “How scandalous!” 

“If you’re into that kinda thing we can totally make a sex tape.” Emma even has the audacity to wink. 

“I just had to fall for the idiot,” Regina mutters under her breath. 

“Sounds like a you problem, babe.” Emma grins, ignoring Regina’s protests to the word. “You better get used to it because we are not just best friends, we’re best friends _forever_ , Regina. _Forever_!”

**ansWERS are now ansARES (the plan is set into motion)**

The family doesn’t notice the truck following them. She’s made sure to keep enough distance between them so it isn’t obvious. A trick she learned from various movies. 

She isn’t far enough that they could just disappear, however. Her brow furrows as she drives down the straight road, the bright yellow car nowhere in view. 

It’s like hitting a brick wall if brick walls were also filled with drugs that make you feel all tingly inside. She hasn’t felt anything like this since she ate glitter glue as a child. Maybe magic isn’t too far fetched of a theory after all. 

That could explain why she’s on the main road of a town right now. This was not here before, she’s sure of it. But somehow she’s driving down main street in the most mysterious town to ever grace the internet. 

Phase 1: Find Storybrooke has been completed. 

The town doesn’t look like much. It looks like any other town, and if she weren’t so educated on this town, she’d assume it to be one. 

She is proven wrong mere moments after having this thought. 

Caitlyn sits outside of Granny’s with a perfect view of mainstreet. Hairy winged beasts chase a familiar blonde woman. Not a single person seems all that perturbed at this scene. 

Well, magic is real. That confirms it. 

She _curses_ herself for not recording the incident. 

They don’t notice anything amiss with her as she explores the town. Granny doesn’t even say anything when she comes into to change from a casual summer look to an overly layered and prepared winter look. 

As far as they’re concerned she is simply having a relaxing stroll around town after finishing her freelance unspecified tech job and she’s between houses so she’s staying at Granny’s. 

She isn’t sure what gods to thank for their lack of questioning. Didn’t Henry mention something about Hades and Zeus at some point? Or did he say Hel and Frigg? Sekhmet and Horus? Whatever, “ _thank the god(s)_ ” should cover all of her bases. 

A camera is attached to her scarf so she doesn’t miss anymore magical events. There are also cameras attached to her beanie, right shoe, shirt pocket, and glasses like some cool spy gadget. No, she’s not gonna miss _anything_ (except the two paychecks she used to buy all of the cameras). 

She doesn’t have to wait long for another occurrence to happen. About five minutes to be exact. 

A shadow blankets over the town accompanied by the loud sound of wings flapping. She loves birds, she really does, but if she looks up to see a giant chickadee-phoenix hybrid she may lose it. Thankfully, she does not see said giant chickadee-phoenix. 

What she does see is arguably much better, and also arguably much worse. Better for the cameras, worse for her who has never seen something so unbelievable. The dragon’s wingspan is absolutely massive. All she can see is the batlike wing gliding above the street. 

According to her research, this dragon is most likely Maleficent or Lilith Page. She hopes this dragon is Mal. If it isn’t, and Lily is this big, she fears how big Mal is. 

She’ll never look at Game of Thrones the same again. 

She spends the next three days collecting footage of the entire town and GPS locations for mapping purposes. By the end of this she should have a complete understanding of above ground layout, and, if she can manage it, underground layout. 

Footage of magical events pile up as she does this. 58 events total. Over three days. Nearly 60 events. In 72 hours. 

She can’t complain, though. It means she has enough options to make a proper top 10 list of her favorite happenings. It goes as follows: 

  1. Using ice powers to keep ice cream cold. Not very exciting, but thanks to Ingrid she didn’t have to worry about her mint ice cream melting. 



  1. Befriending and conversing with a lot of local birds. She was not lying when she said she likes birds. 



  1. Witnessing Ursula kick Captain Hook’s ass via her tentacles with Cruella De Vil providing backup. That’s probably also a hentai title. She’s going to pretend it isn’t. 



  1. Playing chess with Zelena’s flying monkeys while they were on break. This would rank hire if Jeremy and Tom weren’t cheating assholes and liars. 



  1. Watching Regina Mills turn the dwarf who kicked her in the shin camera to stone after he insulted the Sheriff. He deserved it. 



  1. A magic show with the traditional tricks except the magician actually has magic. The rabbit he pulled out of his hat had an entire comedy routine, too 



  1. Ruby turning into her wolf form and letting people ride around on her. Felt a lot like riding a hairy horse. Much cooler, though. 



  1. Petting Cerberus. Surprisingly only Samoyed sized. All three heads are very friendly. 



  1. Kissing a frog and him actually turning into a prince. His name is Kareem and he was cursed by an angry almost mother-in-law. The curse could only be broken if a lesbian with no interest in him such as herself kissed him which is honestly kinda genius. The true definition of WLW and MLM solidarity, perhaps. 



  1. Seeing Regina Mills and Emma Swan in action. She’s a woman in love after seeing them take down that angry griffin with their magic. 



**the stalker becomes the stalked (emma has a metaphorical cold and metaphorically has to sneeze)**

Her Savior senses have been tingling nonstop since they returned. Feels a lot like she’s gonna sneeze, but for some reason she isn’t. Like a cold that can only be cured by a nose spray that is filled with answers, but they’re sold out and the new shipment won't get in until next Friday. 

Lucky for her, mom forwarded her essential oils to try. 

Essential oils, of course, being a metaphor for investigating the residents currently staying at Granny’s. They have a habit of being up to something. Not always something evil, but definitely something. 

She’s narrowed it down to two suspects. Caitlyn Wills and James Greg. 

Caitlyn Wills has a very suspicious amount of cameras. There's an absurd amount of them laying around her room. While she isn’t allowed to touch anything, she’d be willing to bet those notebooks have some incriminating evidence in them too. 

James Greg hasn’t necessarily done anything suspicious, but white men with the name James or Greg are usually shady people when it comes to this town (ex; Greg Mendall, James Nolan). That shadiness is only doubled when you’re named both. 

She spends the rest of the day creating a plan for tomorrow. Various citizens have expressed their concerns to her about this strange woman in winter attire walking all over Storybrooke as if seeing it for the first time. A description that could only fit one person. 

It is summer, after all. 

With more difficulty than she’d like to admit, Emma rolls behind the recycling bin. Her dad casually sits on a bench beside the bin, trying very hard not to look amused, with his eyes on their suspect. She stands at the top of the stairs for the lower section of the beach, subtly rotating her body. 

“What’s that all about? The cameras?” asks David. Emma peaks out from the side of the bin like a sideways meerkat. 

“Probably. That or she was a disco ball in the Enchanted Forest who wants to relive her glory days.” She wouldn’t put it past Storybrooke. There _was_ that couple who used to be a desk and lamp after all. 

David gives her a confused look. “Emma, we didn’t have electricity and resources were scarce. Why would we have disco balls?” 

Ok, point taken. 

“I’m just saying— stop looking at me! It’s suspicious! You’re gonna blow my cover,” she says in a tone bordering on a whine. 

“Your legs are sticking out, honey. I think your cover was already blown.” 

Emma pouts. Can’t he at least pretend to play along? Or is he like Snow and contractually obligated to the truth? Regina probably would have the power to trick both of her parents into a magic contract like that. 

“Oh Steak and Shake, she’s on the move. Should we follow her?” Oh, great. He probably has a contractual obligation not to swear either. Regina has a lot more free time than she first thought. 

Resigned to the fact that she is not as cool as the spies on TV, Emma stands and nods. The two speed walk as casually as someone can speed walk. Which is to say, not much faster than actual walking. 

Emma came prepared for this. Her dad not so much. She told him not to wear those sandals, but _noooo_ who listens to _Emma_. 

The two trek the forest path with a barely socially acceptable distance between them and Caitlyn. Regardless, she’s too engrossed with looking at the fine details of every leaf. She and Regina could probably be great friends with their habit of leaf inspection.

Not best friends, though. 

Emma is not sharing that title or the benefits. And what benefits they are- and now is not the time for this. 

Especially since Caitlyn has somehow managed to triple the distance between them. 

“Come on. We gotta move. Don’t make too much noise,” she tells her father. He nods with tangible determination. The forest is his area of expertise when it comes to catching suspicious maybe criminal brunette women. 

Caitlyn enters another store, ending their investigation. She’d spotted them in the last one, it’d be too suspicious to be seen in there too. 

With great reluctance they return to the station to gather their thoughts. While no conclusive evidence was found, Emma knows something is going on with her. _Nobody_ is that enthusiastic about being shown around a sea journey supplies shop. Not even Hook, an actual pirate.

They never manage to figure it out before she disappears across the town line.

**the long awaited conclusion (but maybe not the end)**

She stares at the flash drive for a long moment. Only two people have seen it (her and her roommate), and maybe it should stay that way. 

The files are deleted before she can contemplate what she’s doing. Storybrooke doesn’t deserve to be exposed like that, none of them deserve it. Maybe it should remain just a series of clips scattered around the internet. 

She’s gotten more answers than she should have. It wouldn’t be right for her to share everything she found. Plus, if she changes her mind she can just stay at Kareem’s place. 

Storybrooke remains the most mysterious town ever known. Caitlyn Wills is just another one of the select few who know the truth. 

**the entire charming softball team (and their pirate mascot)**

_An undetermined time in the future… could be a week after the story ends with all the time travel nonsense of season 7, could be 10 years later. You can decide the details._

Perhaps it’s weird having children the same age as your siblings and son’s children. Seeing as this is Storybrooke, though, that’s just how it goes. 

Regina grips her tightly, looking on the verge of tears every time one of the kids does something she deems “unsafe”. The people of Storybrooke have lost a lot of respect in Emma’s eyes. All they needed to do to defeat the Evil Queen was make her watch a little league softball game— or worse, football. 

She lets out a strangled noise as Ruthie stumbles, righting herself so quickly it would be unnoticeable by anyone who isn’t Regina (and Emma by association). Emma dreads the moment their kids join the play again. 

Luckily, she has a few minutes to prepare as the game takes a break. Unfortunately, the school mascot enters the field to do the small show he’s required to do for every break in the game. 

Or, if you’re Regina, fortunately. Besides all the people she loves, seeing Hook humiliating himself, often in a sandy colored cat costume, is the thing she loves most. Her dad did manage to get Hook to apply as the full time mascot at Regina's request (He loved the gift basket she made. Said it was the best pie he's ever had), and since all hires go through Snow, whoever Regina wants gets the job. 

He struggles through the Y.M.C.A, the entire crowd uncomfortable except for Regina who’s borderline evil cackle fills the stadium. 

Across the bleachers sit Snow, Charming, Ruby, Worm, Dominic, and the unnamed Turkey from Thanksgiving. The small birds are perched on Snow’s shoulders, and have provided running commentary throughout the entire game. The turkey sits in her lap enjoying all the pets he is getting. 

“If I had the ability to laugh I would be utilizing it in moments like this,” says Dominic. The turkey gobbles in agreement. 

“If I had opposable thumbs I’d be recording moments like this,” says Worm. 

“Don’t be rude,” chides Snow halfheartedly. 

“I am not being rude. This is genuinely one of the most uncomfortable yet hilarious show I have ever witnessed.” 

Behind everyone else sits Caitlyn and Kareem. She records the entire thing with her phone. Maybe the town is kept a secret, but this performance should not be.


End file.
